13 Ways To Be A Good Ol’ Lady

 

 

1. When your ol’ man takes you places with him or when he has company at home, DON’T talk too much! Try to be friendly and polite but NEVER, EVER just jump right into the middle of their conversation. If there’s anything a good man can’t stand, it’s a woman who talks too damn much! Besides, the more you talk, the more chance you have of saying something wrong.

  

2. You should always be enthusiastic about sex. Put a little effort into it. You gotta want to please him. Don’t you know that men love it when you get off getting him off? After all it’s not like he can’t do the job himself and probably just as good without you. But there’s no substitute for a lady who enjoys sex all the time. And remember there’s only one good reason to turn him down when he wants it. For those few days a month Rule #3 is a good one to remember.

 

3. If you got a problem w/ oral sex, GET OVER IT! All men love it, want it, need it. If you offered your old man a blowjob right now it wouldn’t matter what he was doing he’d stop long enough to take you up on your offer. And I can guarantee you that if you NEVER EVER offer him a blowjob, he would take any woman up on her offer for one right now.

 

4. Don’t ever swing on him in the heat of an argument, if he smacks you first. Maybe you got outta line and out of control and needed to be smacked to snap out of it. In case you didn’t notice women can turn into lunatic psycho bitches. But you are asking for trouble if you get in his face or attempt to stand up to him like another man would. If you fight with him like a man who can’t kick his ass, you’re gonna get your ass kicked like one too! If he abuses you, get the hell out and don’t go back. If you go back again and again, you got a lot more problems to worry about than how to be a good ol’ lady.

 

5. Always be respectful to him, especially in front of his brothers and friends. For no reason should you EVER be disrespectful to his brothers. If you really love your man and want the relationship to last for any length of time the brothers have to like you. This ain’t gonna happen if you don’t show respect.

 

6. If he does something to piss you off, and you forgive him, and or accept his apology for what he did, don’t bring it up in future arguments. Bringing it up over and over again won’t make him feel guilty but it will convince him what a snivelin’ bitch you are.

 

7. Don’t expect him to kiss your ass, just get a piece of it. This means when he does something to piss you off, don’t cut him off until you think he’s apologized enough or seen the error of his ways. You’re lucky if he apologized at all. Neglecting your man will never make him see the error of his ways because at that point all he can see is the error of yours. next time you argue with your man, maybe he will see your point a lot more clearly if you just stop bitchin’ at him and say,” I want you bad right now, so get over here and give it to me, baby!”

 

8. Don’t call around looking for him if he’s late coming home. Don’t call his work, don’t call his friends or brothers house.( If it’s a real emergency maybe). Otherwise you are being a nosey controlling bitch.

 

9.When he comes home late, don’t be waiting at the door ready to start bitchin’ at him again. If you want to greet him at the door, maybe you should try doing it in a pair of thigh high boots and nothing else! When he walks in and takes a look at you, I doubt there will be any arguing for awhile. And it seems to me that a man might rush his ass home a little quicker for a surprise like that every now and then!

 

10. Remember that a man gets bored if he has to climb into bed every night with someone covered in flannel from head to toe. The combination of you and his bed should always be a thought that is tempting and alluring to him, not something he dreads.

 

 

11. If your man refused to give you his time, attention, effort, affection, material objects, emotional support or money when wanted or needed it, do you think you would ultimately have any desire to have sex with him? (Probably not). Clearly all women, except those who NEVER give it up, are whores to a certain extent. Men end up paying for sex one way or another so learn to play the role of his very own “whore”. And don’t over do it, this rule only applies if it’s your ol’ man not everyone else’s. This rule should be omitted if you are actually making a living at being a whore.

  

12. NEVER, EVER threaten to call the police on him. As long as you choose to be with him, anything that transpires between you and your man is a “family matter”. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT. If you are unable to handle the situation, get out. If you are unable to get out, you’re in a hell of a mess. But you got yourself into it so…

 

13. If you give him an idea or make a suggestion that works out really well for him, don’t ever say that it was all your idea. Let him have the credit. Always try to make your man look good. If he really is a good one, he’ll give credit where credit is due, but only occasionally.  

 

 GOODBYE

  

I feel the need to say goodbye,  

 A thought that breaks my heart;

Though complete you’d surely make me,  

 I’ll settle for ripped apart.

I’ll drench my world in never,  

 Join step in the black parade;

And curse my eyes that let your vision,  

 Like all hope succeed to fade.

Not an easy choice in the very least,  

 But no more can I live the lie;

Reality is greatly stacked against me,  

 And I fail to find out why.

While honor equals dreaming,  

 With longing paired with pain;

I’ll hold you dearly inside my heart,  

 But in your life I can’t remain.

I will always wish you happiness,  

 Perhaps, one day, I’ll see;

Someone curing all your loneliness,  

 I’ll still wish it could be me.

And I know those tears will fall ,  

 Like the ones that burned just now;

My brain will wrench in agony,  

In torment to love but how?

How could I repair such damage?  

 How could I re-shape my life;

And be as worthy as all those other women, 

 That should have begged you to be their wife?

But I am who and what I am,  

A soul too torn apart;

So go and flourish beyond my vision,  

 But please, don’t leave my heart.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet . 

 

It may be that your sole purpose in life is to set a bad example. 

 

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 

 

Don’t squat with your spurs on. 

 

Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 

 

Good judgment comes from bad experience , and a lot of that comes from bad judgment

 

Some days you are the bug, and some days you are the windshield.  

 

A closed mouth gathers no foot. 

 

Never miss a good chance to shut up. 

 

If you think nobody cares if you are alive , try missing a car payment. 

 

We are born naked , wet , and hungry.  Then things get worse.

 

I don’t know who she really is

I’m still trying to figure that out

why did she look at me like this

What is on her mind right now?

Her life is a mystery

she keeps everything a secret

she is a locked up diary

that nobody has read

 

She tries to manage her life

she has always been alone

but somehow she survived

she must be really strong

 

She’s been down so many times

but got back up by herself

no matter how hard it gets she tries

because nobody offers help

What is written in her soul?

why is she always sad?

why did she put up that wall?

in hope to be protected

You never see her laugh

it’s rarely that she smiles

she’s pretends to be tough

but then breaks down and cries

There is something she can’t figh

it gets her really down

she’s about to lose her mind

and nobody is around

 

Something is tearing her apart

she is dying in the pain

it has blackened her heart

she is about to go insane

How much more can she take

how much longer will she fight

 

the happy faces she puts on are fake

because she’s dead inside

What did she do to deserve all that

 

She has ran out of power

what was going on in her head?

when she jumped off that tower?

 

KK

The Tears I Cry……………..

The tears I cry, fall down like rain

My heart is bursting, I feel your pain.

I want to give you, nothing but a smile,

But it’s not in my power, so I’ll cry awhile.

 

The pain you feel, from years of abuse,

Makes me so angry, there’s simply no excuse.

The way you have been treated, is just so wrong,

I want to give you peace, and help you be strong.

 

Heartbreak and mind games, are so hard to get through,

But I would give up my life, just to bring peace to you.

Just to take you from darkness, and give you no pain,

Make your heart glow, with a new beginning again.

 

Life is unfair, and we live it one day at a time,

Try to see beauty, and try to make things shine.

But somedays the tears, just seem to break free,

There’s nothing but sadness, and you may not even see.

 

Friends all around you, giving nothing but love,

Then one person steps in, with vile words on thier tongues.

Bringing you down, like so many times before,

They thrive on your weakness, gettin into your pores.

 

I can’t understand, how many people can hurt,

It’s like they have no heart, they just want to be curt.

Playing their games, and messing with your head,

What they don’t undertand, is mental anguish can be mislead.

 

My tears for you, will  fall down like rain,

I will continue to try, and take your pain.

You are likemy family, and I love whats inside,

I just want you to smile, and not continue to hide.

 

I’ll continue to take, the pain that you feel,

That’s just who I am, nothing special but real.

I’ll be your friend for life, and help when I can,

I’ll fly anywhere with you, and help you stand.

 

The tears I cry, are for you and not me,

Because I care, and deep down I truely believe.

That showing your heart, to loved ones you know,

Perhaps will bring happiness, and might help them grow.

Ways To Piss Off A Cop

 

 

When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol?”

When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to……

Touch him.

When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you were rushing home because you realized you forgot your helmet. (Particularly good in those Helmet Law states!)

Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

Refer to him by his first name.

Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

When he says no, cry.

If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

If he asks you to step off the bike, automatically throw yourself onto his hood.

When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don’t go that way.

When he puts the handcuffs on, say “Usually my dates buy me dinner first”

Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don’t like ink on your fingers.

After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say “Oops! That’s the wrong name.”

Bribe him with donuts.

When he comes up your bike, say “License and registration, please” right when he says it.

When he goes to read you your rights, sing “La La La, I can’t hear you!”

Trip and fall into him.

Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

Chew on the pen, nervously.

Clean your ear with the pen.

If it’s a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar…..

Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

Act like you are retarded.

When he’s telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

Or mumble to yourself.

When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin’ about man?

Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm….only 5 of you here tonight…….

Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

When he comes up to your bike, say I have a badge just like yours!

Ask if he watches Cops.

Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

Giggle if he did.

Talk to your hand.

Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

When he asks to inspect your bike, say there is no alcohol on my bike, sir, the last cop got it.

Try to sell him your bike.

Ask if you can buy his car.

If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

Play with the siren.

If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

If you don’t know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.

Oops…I meant OVER for dinner.

Ask if he ever had pu-tang.

If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

If there is someone else on the bike with you, talk to each other in tongues.

When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

When you are in the back of his car, touch his neck through the fencing.

Turn your head and whistle.

When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.

If you are female, say I don’t do that on the first date.

If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

Ask if you can see his gun.

When he says you aren’t allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.

Stare at his lights and say “Look at the pretty colors!”

Tell him you like men in uniform.

Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

While he is sitting in his car running your plates and license, whip it out and pee on one of his tires.

Touch his shirt and say “hey man, you got a booger on your shirt” when he looks down do the nose bump thing and say “Damn, cops are so stupid”.

Every time he tries to use his radio, squeal like a pig as loud as you can.

Ask him if he feels like a BIG MAN just because he has a gun. (Submitted by Smaug) That’s not funny Smaug…I’ve done that before!! Rhonda

Laugh until he asks you why and tell him you think it’s funny that he didn’t see you throw your stash in the bushes so he can’t prove it’s yours. After him and his co-cops spend an hour looking for it admit that you were just kidding.

Keep staring at him until he asks you why you are doing it. Tell him that you once got drunk and humped a monkey and you are wondering if he is your son.

If he makes you walk a straight line to prove your aren’t drunk. Do it hopscotch style.

Every time he asks you a question. Ask your imaginary friend for the answer.

If he/she frisks you, moan loudly and say things like “oh, baby”, “OH YES, YES” and of course the old standard “a little to the left, baby”.

Make up a cute nickname for him and use it often. Something like “Tinkerbelle” should work nicely.

While signing the ticket, ask him if he realizes that your Green Beret uncle taught you 17 ways to kill with a ball point pen.

Every time he takes his eyes off of you, make loud fart noises.

Accuse him of sleeping with your wife. When he denies it, tell him he should try her. After all, she’s a lot better in the sack than HIS wife.

When he asks to see your license, ask to shoot his gun.

When he says “Please step off the bike” say, “I cant, you get on.”

Ask him if you can be his date for the Policemen’s Ball.

Look at his head, then ask, “Who cuts your hair?”

Ask him, “If you aren’t allowed to drink & drive, then why do they put parking lots around bars???”

When asked to see your license and registration, ask to see naked pictures of his wife. If he says he does not have any, ask if he would like to buy some. Then say, “What a firecracker!”

When he asks for your license, say “I would…but the last cop that asked me for my license didn’t give it back!” (Submitted by Pink Leather)

bullet When pulled over by the Highway Patrol. Ask if you can buy some tickets to the Highway Patrolman’s Ball. They usually reply that Highway Patrolmen don’t have balls. Then shake your head & laugh. (Submitted by JC)

When he goes to run your license and registration, ask if he minds if you have a couple of beers while you wait.

If you end up in the back of a cop car, annoy him by farting, pissing, or if you can manage to vomit…even better.

When riding to lockup, constantly ask “Are we there yet?”

For those of us who have bike cops……..Yeah I know why you pulled me over. You wanted to see what a fast bike looks like.

When asked if you know why he pulled you over, say “Because you thought I had donuts on me?”

When the cop asks you why you didn’t stop right away, just tell him, “I wasn’t sure if the flashing lights behind me were a cop or if it was just the acid kicking in.”

Ask him to hold your beer while you get your license & registration for him.

“Are You Andy or Barney?”

When he/she asks if you have any drugs or firearms say “sure whatta ya need?